Code Red

I have different levels of assholes that come in on any given night. They have color codes, just like the terror alert system.

Code Red was my very first customer yesterday.

Often, the first couple of people who come in can set the mood for the entire evening. I was determined to not let Code Red wreck my night. It went like this: Code Red cruises in the door for Happy Hour and sits down at the biggest table, even though he's one guy: "Hey, get me a Dos Equis". Notice, there's no please or thank you involved. This is when one of the wisest things my dear mother ever has told me pops into my head. Mother: "If you kill them with kindness, they can't do anything else".

I prefer to think of it another way. I get this sweet syrupy lilt to my voice and this ridiculously fake smile and I respond back to Code Red: "Sure thing, I'll be right back". Being disengenuous makes me feel above his bullshit for some reason. (I know, I know....it's an ego thing, but can you blame me?!)

I'm not two steps from him when he starts yelling what he wants to eat to the back of my head as I walk away. I swear I want to stuff a dirty bar towel down his throat. Shockingly, he actually has a very nice girlfriend. When I ask him about her (he's never been in on his own before) he says, and I quote, "She's not really my real girlfriend. Just someone I hang out with."

Interesting, I bet she doesn't know he feels this way considering I know they LIVE TOGETHER. Code Red has one of those Asian-style lettered tattoes running down his inner forearm. I like to believe it says, "I'm a complete and utter Asshole" in Chinese, except he doesn't even know. Lesson for anyone who cares: Here's what I've learned about guys after seeing them in action night on end, if they think there is ANY chance at some play with a girl, they will lie their faces off about having a significant other.